and on a psychotic side note

last night i had a dream that i had just had a baby. it was still a newborn with that squishy neck thing going on and i was carrying it and my mum was in there somewhere i think giving me a blanket for it, and then it was just me sleeping in my current apartment with this tiny baby girl next to me in a blue blanket and she was wearing a little yellow cap. her face was all newborn red and squashy, but adorable. and i was breathing normally and tired but happy.

then i woke up really upset and completely confused.

i have NEVER wanted to have kids before. and today i feel so sad that i don't and i miss my little cousin nathan who is getting so much bigger whenever i see him.

what the hell is going on with me?! last night i actually read this book about this pregnant woman going through hell which if anything should have confirmed my 'never have kids' ethos which was working well for me.
ugh.